I Hate Your MMO

I hate the MMO you play.  It must have been developed by baboons!  For all I know you have the IQ of a dead baboon for choosing that game.  Learn about you and your MMO after the break.

World of Warcraft is not really an MMO.  In China it is marketed as a screensaver.  3 billion Chinese are using the so-called “experience” at 3 pennies per hour so that their $5 quad-core laptops won’t get screen burn.  Those are some numbers I can rely on.  Blizzard’s “11 million” is just another marketing strategy aimed at getting you to stuff your face with the MMO equivalent of chicken byproduct nuggets.  At least the Chinese are smart enough to realize what the product really is.

Blizzard, on the other hand, was smart enough to not waste money making a real game like ArenaNet did.  Why waste their time when every player is just going to stand around in every town and instance AFK.  Let’s not even pretend that people use Guild Wars for a chat channel.   Even in the monthly tournaments, people just want to AFK and have the RNG god decide who gets to the final.  Everybody who plays Guild Wars just wanted the awesome screensaver feature of World of Warcraft, but you were too cheap to actually subscribe.  Guild Wars 2 claims to have screensaveability, but everybody except you knows that it’s just vaporware.

Yet, at least in Guild Wars people pretend to PvP.  Warhammer Online, on the other hand, is the freaking carebear land.  Sure, the elite say that they enter the RvR area and get flagged for PvP, but all you do is fight a motionless, non-responsive door for a half hour.  Then when you want to capture a zone you go grind mobs.  Every Warhammer player pretends they are PvPing because high elf players are fighting dark elf mobs, and so on.  But, let’s not kid ourselves.  If you wanted real-man (or woman) PvP you would be playing Darkfall, which will save us all from ourselves.

Age of Conan is the result of a horrible port from the original single-player game on the PS3 because FunCom did not realize that 4 of the 5 PS3 owners on Earth only used the thing for Blu-Ray.  Now, the only reason you play it is in the hopes that you will be on the Stone Philip’s molestor show.  It’s like a lottery, all you have to do is request GM attention.

Lord of the Rings Online is only played by emos. Yup, you are an emo.  A game based around “hope,” “dread,” “radiance,” and “gloom.”  It sounds like it was birthed by a mascara wearing highschool goth.  You get better roleplaying in AFK Guild Wars than outside the Prancing Pony where elven players are bemoaning their IRL existence.  And morale instead of hitpoints just hits the nail in the coffin.  Swords in the game don’t hurt you like your razors, they hurt your morale?  Sounds like somebody was ignored by daddy and needs a creative outlet.

Something, something Everquest 2.

If you are playing EVE, you already know what club you belong to.  Long ago, GE bought all 250,000 EVE subscriptions for it’s accountants.  In a stroke of stock market genius they set to accomplish two things.  Give their overworked, underpaid nerdball accountants a stress release via a graphical spreadsheet, and to take over Icelandic currency via the only export Iceland has.  Any advertisements you see for the game are really a front for GE to get more cubicle monkeys.

Free-2-Play games are the worst.  They are the Zoidberg of MMOs.  You say “I play a lot of MMOs,” and in the distance you hear a loser say “and Zoidberg too.”  How could you actually want to play a game written by a spineless lobster-man?

I’m going back to X-Box Live, where all the real gamers hang out.

–Ravious
Kif, I’m feeling the Captain’s Itch.